my situation

I’m sitting here, in the last hour of my workday. I have not spoken to a single sentient being since the weekend, although I’ve exchanged quite a few words with 20-something males. My workplace is a very testosterone-infused, fraternity-like culture. What forces of the Universe could have conspired to bring me to this place? It reminds me of high school gym … how degraded i felt around the jocks, until I became well-skilled in the art of avoiding them … but now they all want to friend me on Facebook.

But in the workplace, there are fewer sanctuaries. Which is why I’ve spent the better part of the past 3 minutes trying to figure out what I can do to change my situation. But I didn’t get very far. the more I thought about it, the more perplexed I became. I could feel, from deep within, things becoming more and more perplexing with each passing breath.

Just to start, I could not figure out what i meant by “I.” Did I really mean “we,” but it came out as “I”? Does “I” refer to a self? Isn’t the notion of self the opposite of everything I strive for? And if there is an “I,” does this “I” really have my true interests at heart?

And what about “change?” How can I really change anything when I don’t believe in an “I”? Although I do believe in change. I can only assume that change occurs with or without me. If I am there at the moment a change occurs, it can only be explained as coincidence. And, of course, there is no such thing as a coincidence.

And then there’s my situation, which at this point, feels completely unfathomable. Something expressed as “my situation” suggests I am trying to claim a situation as mine, which sounds very possessive. When I think of a situation, I think of something that has a beginning and a middle, and, in certain situations, an end. But can a situation be bounded by space and time? A situation is certainly not bound to me. So it really isn’t my situation.

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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