i’ve been struggling with a deep remorse for the past day or 2 over an act of violence i almost committed, or partially committed. you see, i was pulling into a parking lot, directly behind a big van that was not moving. i was waiting for the van to move for several minutes, growing increasingly impatient at what i saw as the driver’s selfishness, although the driver may have been asleep, or there may have been no driver at all. but still, i was impatient.

eventually, the van finally moved, and i put my foot on the accelerator at the very moment this couple walked in front of me. you see, i did not see them until the very last second, which was exactly enough time to not run them over. but they looked terrified, shaken, shocked. and i’ve had this image of their terror haunting me ever since. what would i have done if any harm had come to them? i really don’t know how i could live with myself. we’re all just a slip away from catastrophe.

today, i was driving again, trying to drive myself out from my remorse. trying to drive my remorse out from me. and each time i came to a stop sign or stop light, my heart was gladdened to see so many pedestrians pass my way.

so i counted the number of pedestrians that i did not run over. there were dozens and dozens of them out there today. and eventually i began to feel like a better person. even if not running people over does not necessarily count as an act of heroism.