something really awful has happened. i can’t even admit it to myself. so i will admit it to you instead. i seem to have developed an infatuation with my new(est) therapist. the one i thought was perfect for a creature of my disposition. and now i fear that i’m about to ruin everything. i can easily not deal with this at all and just wait for it to pass. i know i can be very resourceful at finding lots of things to talk about that evade this dilemma… but fortunately and unfortunately she is too astute to not pick up on signs i inadvertently give off from time to time.
such as Monday. we touched upon my issues with envy. yes, i can be envious at times. i never talk about it. i never write about it. i’d rather not acknowledge it at all, but it’s there. and somehow it came up in our conversation. I said, “Gosh, I must sound like a terrible person. Do I sound like a terrible person?” She answered that I am not a terrible person, but I am somebody who is very self-aware, which a lot of people are not.
But I realized afterward that part of the reason I feared I was coming across as a terrible person was because, in many ways, I am seeking her approval–but in a way of seeking approval from someone you are trying to impress. Such as someone you might be infatuated with, but you know that admitting that runs the risk of ruining something unique and important.