tonight, as i sit here alone ingesting a cup of vanilla goat milk yogurt, i find peace in imagining myself splayed out on an antique chaise lounge in an opium den somewhere. instead i am here, with yogurt, just about depleted since i began writing this post.

not doing a very good job of avoiding thoughts about my mortality, invoked from yesterday’s scare.

12 hours earlier, i was walking through an alley… where i saw a well-dressed middle-aged white man urinating at the edge of a fence next to a dumpster. as i passed by, he looked back at me and said, “i am sorry if i have offended you.” i wasn’t sure quite what to say, but i replied, “quite the contrary. i admire you for your lack of restraint. i think this takes a certain kind of courage, which i have been missing of late.”

And i walked on, barely missing the train.

all in all, a very insular existence today. as if i am protecting myself from something that doesn’t exist. like immediately deleting a job rejection email without reading it, even though it was written by a friend.

i wonder what it will take to change me.