i wonder if there are any real, tangible benefits to being passive-aggressive. i can’t quite get into specific details because i don’t feel like we really know each other that well. At least not yet. And I don’t want this blog to become a form of therapy for me. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. there is absolutely nothing therapeutic about venting, to anyone, even an imaginary reader such as yourself. actually i can’t think of anything therapeutic about therapy either. it’s much much healthier to consult with the Oracle. it’s much healthier to go out and buy a new pair of shoes. then i’d really have something to talk about.

but i think i was starting to say something and i guess i diverted from it because it’s difficult to talk about. not because it’s that difficult. maybe more because i can’t quite make sense of it. i guess i’m talking about how difficult it is for me to ask for help/insights/guidance from anyone without this fear that they might think i am using them. like if i call someone i haven’t spoken to in a while and I genuinely do care about them and want to know how they’re doing, but i eventually want to ask something of them… and I actually rarely feel like talking on the phone, which doesn’t mean I’m not thinking or caring about them… It could be completely innocuous and mundane… whatever i might possibly be asking of them. but just knowing that it’s there while we’re catching up on each others lives makes me feel underhanded and manipulative. i don’t like that feeling. it makes me congeal.

but then again, the only way I can make sense of living in relation to other people is to acknowledge how interconnected we all are, i think. i sometimes forget that sometimes asking something of someone makes that someone feel more connected to you, makes that person feel more complete in a certain way. does that make any sense?

still, when it comes to asking, it always feels like I hit this wall. i-just-can’t-do-it. i hate doing it. but when i step away from that, if the tables were turned, if someone were to come to me for help/advice/information/consolation, i would be immensely honored.

so why am I like this? how did i get this way?

ugh…!! now it feels like i’m doing it again… asking something of you before we even know each other that well. And venting, too. I didn’t even ask how You are doing. fuck!!!!