underhanded and overexposed

i wonder if there are any real, tangible benefits to being passive-aggressive. i can’t quite get into specific details because i don’t feel like we really know each other that well. At least not yet. And I don’t want this blog to become a form of therapy for me. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us. there is absolutely nothing therapeutic about venting, to anyone, even an imaginary reader such as yourself. actually i can’t think of anything therapeutic about therapy either. it’s much much healthier to consult with the Oracle. it’s much healthier to go out and buy a new pair of shoes. then i’d really have something to talk about.

but i think i was starting to say something and i guess i diverted from it because it’s difficult to talk about. not because it’s that difficult. maybe more because i can’t quite make sense of it. i guess i’m talking about how difficult it is for me to ask for help/insights/guidance from anyone without this fear that they might think i am using them. like if i call someone i haven’t spoken to in a while and I genuinely do care about them and want to know how they’re doing, but i eventually want to ask something of them… and I actually rarely feel like talking on the phone, which doesn’t mean I’m not thinking or caring about them… It could be completely innocuous and mundane… whatever i might possibly be asking of them. but just knowing that it’s there while we’re catching up on each others lives makes me feel underhanded and manipulative. i don’t like that feeling. it makes me congeal.

but then again, the only way I can make sense of living in relation to other people is to acknowledge how interconnected we all are, i think. i sometimes forget that sometimes asking something of someone makes that someone feel more connected to you, makes that person feel more complete in a certain way. does that make any sense?

still, when it comes to asking, it always feels like I hit this wall. i-just-can’t-do-it. i hate doing it. but when i step away from that, if the tables were turned, if someone were to come to me for help/advice/information/consolation, i would be immensely honored.

so why am I like this? how did i get this way?

ugh…!! now it feels like i’m doing it again… asking something of you before we even know each other that well. And venting, too. I didn’t even ask how You are doing. fuck!!!!

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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