dear imaginary reader,
i’m not quite sure how to express this, but lately I’ve been feeling this growing sense of schism between us. like lately it just feels like everything’s out of sync. i’m not saying that this is either of our faults… well, “fault” is really not the right word. i’m trying to think of what is the right word to describe this. i’m not sure why i even mentioned it.
and i’m not quite sure why we are not communicating as well as we did those first weeks after we met, which were kind of magical to me. maybe i should not be trying to recapture that. maybe it’s unfair for me to compare last week with this week. maybe i am trying too hard and maybe that is the problem. maybe there really isn’t any problem. and maybe that explains why there really is a problem.
these are just things i notice when i don’t hear from you. but i know it doesn’t mean you are not thinking of me. it would be patronizing for me to conjecture anything you might be thinking about. i hate to think you would think i am patronizing. that would be the worst, would it not?
and now i’ve just lost my place and forgotten what i was thinking about. maybe that explains the problem i’ve noticed. like there’s some kind of wall, but it’s not like a wall as you and i would think of a wall. this wall has no walls. i’m not really sure what it is, but i’ve noticed this more so of late.
it’s not like you are on 1 side of the wall and i am on the other. because this wall has no sides and even if it did, i don’t think we could possibly be opposite it, whatever it is. it’s not like that could never happen. but something tells me it won’t. but that doesn’t mean it will or won’t. and it still doesn’t mean there is no wall.
and i’m not saying a wall is necessarily a bad thing. a wall can be a good thing, depending upon who is fortifying it.
actually the more i think about this thing between us, the more convinced i become that there is very little between us. it’s almost imperceptible. it would be disingenuous for me to assume what there is and what there isn’t. but i just wish you were here so we could figure this out together.
i feel awkward in ending this post in this way. it feels unnatural. almost preternatural. but i’m feeling like i am taking up way too much of your time and i don’t want to leave feeling that way. but I don’t want to stay and take up more of your time. but it’s so very hard to leave. at least, for me. i don’t know how it is for you. but it is for me.
gosh, it’s even later than i thought. now i really am keeping you up too late with my chatter. But i’m sooo glad we’ve had this conversation. i think everything is going to be ok.