that came over me today. I’m not quite sure when, where or how it happened. it’s not something I expected or hoped for or prayed for. it just sort of happened.
the only real explanation I can think of is that I doubled my dose of fish oil supplements.
but then again, it’s probably not rooted in the tangible world. I can hope and pray for things to happen in the tangible world and am at a loss when they do not, just like any other pedestrian … which leads me to see myself as the obstacle i must overcome in order to get from here to there and back again. Even when that place is so elusive, unframed, undefined, indeterminate, and strange.
but that doesn’t explain the strange peace. even during those annoying moments, standing right next to somebody who is talking loudly on his cell phone and then kind of glares at me as if I am invading his privacy… even during those moments that threatened my equilibrium… that strange peace returned more determined than ever.
if I could figure out how it got here, maybe I could replicate it tomorrow, but somehow that never quite pans out, does it?
I’ve been struggling a ton with physical manifestations of anxiety for a few years now. I have trouble breathing, etc. Then sometimes, like the past two days and it looks like maybe today too, I have good days – where it seems almost miraculous. I try to trace it to things, so that I can perpetuate it, but like you said, it’s so hard. But I think this time around it’s due to making a music composition, my first real one (still just a simple exercise from a workbook though) with composing software. For once I don’t feel behind, that eternal anxious behindness…