my friend’s cancer has been determined untreatable and she is now in hospice. although i have lost several people over the years, this is the first time i have experienced anyone who has gone through the hell of chemo and radiation with no positive results, who now is saying goodbye to family and friends. i can’t imagine what’s she’s going through, seeing friends and family visiting from out of town, possibly the last time.

yesterday she told me that she had heard I got a job offer in Boston and will be moving there. it’s partially true. i have the job offer. but i’m finding it difficult to convince myself that i would want to live there. but she persisted and asked when i would be moving, and i said i was not ready to go, and she said she was not ready to go either. but that i would be going somewhere life affirming while she was going into the unknown.

and then she cried and said she would miss me. and i said, i’m right here now and not going anywhere. and she apologized for saying or doing things that may have hurt me. and i told her that this had never happened. and that it i was who was sometimes grumpy and stubborn when we worked on projects together. and she said that, no, i was always open and compassionate. and i said, no, she was the one who was compassionate. and this went back and forth a few times, until we both gave up.

the only thing i do know is that i am going to stay at least as long as she does. i can’t bear the thought of leaving this friend. even though in 25 years prior, we were more collaborators than friends. and collaboration wasn’t always easy. but now, none of that matters.

About The Lost Pedestrian

In my wanderings throughout the moments/days/years, I try in earnest to find the mystical within the mundane and the mundane within the mystical, oftentimes confusing one from the other. I have wandered and roamed through many a city, many a town, in a state of wonder and bewilderment, without necessarily going anywhere. I am easily lost, but eventually found. (I am guessing you have just found me). My sincere hope is that you will find Something in this warehouse of thought, memory and false memory, words, numbers, tangents, murmurs, echoes (lots and lots of echoes), voices, dreams, and other paraphernalia.
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1 Response to staying

  1. kym ilsen says:

    That was the most beautiful post!

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